Isn’t the snow so pretty? I spent about two hours shoveling outside and it was a pretty good workout. The snow was perfectly light and fluffy, very easy on the back, I was mindful the entire time; bending at the knees and using my core muscles. I spent the entire time in deep thought, most of which I have forgotten except for why I was shoveling in the first place even though I have the worst cold in the world. My thoughts were going every which way, at least I was sweating out my cold which led me to think of my father who swore by a good old fashioned hot grog full of armagnac, enough to kill any cold dead, really dead, which got me back to why did I feel the crazy need to shovel when I should be in bed, because I have been feeling fat lately which led me to thinking I always feel fat, no matter what I look like, which led me to the fact that at 134 lbs I am not fat, but I am heavier than normal and with being menopausal, it is harder losing weight which stinks, which led me to thinking that with all of the healthy things that I eat, I should feel really good about myself and I don’t, which is why being in recovery for an eating disorder is still a lot of work mentally and emotionally. Why am I so vain???!!!!!
Well an eating disorder is not about vanity per se, it is much bigger than that; it is really about self-worth, control or loss of control, dealing with change that is bigger than you and a ton of other things that exist very deep within your psyche. No matter how faithfully I tend to my regimen of writing, reading, cooking, tending to my plants and my family, I am still plagued by these demons. I have read that my age group of 40’s to 50’s has a tendency to fall back into the eating disorder rut due to an upheaval of those crazy hormones. I suppose that this is a ride that I am going to have to weather and as long as I remain mindful, I will be fine”ish”.