Tomorrow I’m scheduled for a lung biopsy at Massachusetts General in Boston. I have to admit I’m rather anxious about it, the nodule, that is what my oncologist calls it, has increased in size rapidly in the last three CT scans that I have had since last December. The biopsy is to definitively confirm my doctor’s suspicions, malignancy and then if what he surmises proves to be correct, I’ll be scheduled for surgery to exercise the malignancy. I am relieved that if it is cancerous, the protocol is surgical and not chemotherapy, I don’t know if I can handle another round of chemo, it is much too soon. I don’t have that much intestinal fortitude.
Intellectually, I know that whatever they find, it is in the earliest stages, so I don’t have to worry about it, but emotionally this is tough. The word cancer hasn’t lost its ability to strike fear even after you have gone through it successfully. So I am trying to reconcile the conflicting aspects dueling inside my person, my head that is rationally aware I’m not in danger and my emotional self that is thrown by this news so soon after my bout with esophageal cancer in the beginning of this year.
I’ve been sitting on this news since June 28th, I knew I was going to have to have a lung biopsy, but it wasn’t until I received the letter announcing the date it was to be done that it became real and more than a little daunting. I was fine before this, I was able to block it out of my mind, now with it being tomorrow, my stomach is uneasy.
I know I’ll be fine, but I decided to write about it because it is therapeutic to get my fears and emotions out on “paper”. I was going to say it was either write about it or indulge in ice cream, but I realized it didn’t have to be an either or situation, all things considered, I deserve a little bit of ice cream.