I still need to keep my spirits up because Doctor Sean called me with the results and it turns out that I do have lung cancer. I didn’t realize how much I was subconsciously hoping all this hoopla was simply a cyst gone crazy, I am prone to cysts so I was hoping, oh well it’s not a cyst.

As I think back to the phone call, I know just how much I was hoping for a different outcome because my stomach sank and my brain drained free of logical thought, emotion and dread filled my head and body at the same time, making me unable to ask intelligent questions. I know this because I called my mother immediately afterwards and she was asking me reasonable questions which I couldn’t answer because my mind had drawn a blank when I heard the word cancer.

Thursday I have an appointment with Doctor Sean and I am going armed with a list of questions, first and foremost is this related to my squamous cell esophageal carcinoma and depending on that answer, my questions will stem from whichever direction that answer leads us.

I am really trying to keep my chin up, I hate the cancer word, it has too much power, I know I will be fine, but this still feels too soon. I need a break.